Let Me Die
by DarkSecrets666
Summary: 'Hold me just once more before I let you go' Ciel loves Sebastian - obviously - and now he's going to let his butler go. Even if it kills him.
1. Ciel's POV

It's been such a long time since I became a demon, Sebastian and still, you'll not look upon me with those eyes that are filled with a cold impassiveness that scares me.

Do you truly blame me for something I didn't asked for?

Do you really hate me so much?

Come closer, Sebastian. Don't look down at your feet, look at me. Tell me that you hate me; tell me that you can't stand me. I need to hear you say it.

Or tell me that you love me, tell me that you want me. I need you to say something, anything, other that the damn schedule of the day.

Kiss me, Sebastian. Kiss me and I'll feed you.

I'll feed you part of the soul I acquired just a couple of hours ago.

Do you know why I do it mouth to mouth instead of just coughing it up?

It's because I like having your mouth on mine, I like having your tongue down my throat, tasting, exploring. Don't tell me you don't like it too. I know you do. I can tell by the way you moan low in your throat. Perhaps it's only from the taste of the souls I choose, perhaps. Or, perhaps, you like it too.

There was a time when you liked kissing me. When you would tease me with a nip to the ear, or a soft touch here and there. Sometimes you would kiss me and I would cling to you trying to hold on to whatever sanity I had left.

Why can't we be like that now?

Touch me, Sebastian.

Touch me in the way you used to, the way that made me feel something other than hate and rage and bloodlust. Stroke my cheek, brush my lips with yours. Come, now; it's not like you to be so shy.

Hold me, Sebastian.

Hold me just once more before I let you go. Yes, I'll let you go, Sebastian. I'll let you leave me if that's what it takes to get that gleam back in your eye. Just hold me. That's all I ask. Hold me to your chest; let me feel your warmth. Let me treasure this. Let me pretend, if only for a moment, that you love me too. Yes, like that. Embrace me. Wrap your arms around me. Just once more.

I'll close my eyes now. I won't sleep. I don't think I can. I know that, if I fall asleep, you won't be there when I wake up. There's a pain in my chest, Sebastian. It won't go away.

Why won't it go away?

Leave me, Sebastian.

Go as far away as you want. This is my gift to you. I've broken the contract. I denied you my soul. This is the least I can do. No, don't call me 'Young master'. My name is Ciel. There is no need for formality, Sebastian. Just take your freedom and go.

Just promise to think kindly of me, Sebastian, if you think of me at all.

I'll still remember you after you've long forgotten me.

I feel my eye burn as I watch you walk away. I know the sign on your hand has gone and my eye is the same ordinary blue it was before our contract was formed.

I collapse onto my knees when the door slams shut.

Did you hear me hit the floor, Sebastian?

Did you hear my heart of ice shatter into a million pieces?

I gasp as the emotional pain spears through me and I lie on my side, staring at the door.

Days pass, or is it weeks? Time means very little anymore. I do not sleep, I do not eat. I can't. I've tried. I have moved from that spot a couple of times now just to shower or to do a chore you used to do. The books won't dust themselves, you know.

Then I go back to that same spot, lie down and wait. I wait for Death. I can feel him coming, Sebastian and I'm not scared. I was never one to fear Death, was I? I wish you had killed me before I awoke as a demon. Or, better yet, I wish you had left me on that alter where I had been abused in every way possible and had just let me die.

I wish, I wish, I wish. . .

I'm fading, Sebastian. I can feel myself flowing away. My eyes droop and close. My breathing becomes shallow and slow. I'm dying.

I wish I could kiss you one more time before I end.

Everything I have heard of death could never prepare me for the slowness of it all.

I wish you were here to hold me as I die.

I'm cold. It's odd. I thought I wouldn't be able to feel anything but I just feel . . .cold.

I wish, I wish, I wish. . .

I can feel the pain of my heartache. Perhaps death is welcome. Perhaps, after all my suffering, God will take pity on me and allow me entry to paradise. I doubt it, though. God had never taken pity upon me before. You were always my savour. I don't need a god. I don't need paradise. I need you.

I wish I had never fallen in love with you. . .

"Young master?"

My breathing hitches. I could swear I hear your voice. I must be loosing my mind but that's ok.

If it's your voice then it's ok.

"Ciel."

I feel hands on me now, arms lifting me, carrying me, holding me. I can smell your musky scent. Yes, I have definitely lost my mind. It's ok, though. It will be a comfort as I die.

I feel lips on mine, a mouth that tastes like you. I feel something forced into my throat by that tongue that tastes like yours. I come to the understanding, as strength erupts through me, that it is a soul.

"Sebastian." I whisper as I open my eyes to see yours staring back. "You're not meant to be here."

You lower me onto something soft, a bed. "Why not?" you ask almost angrily but your attempt at anger fails as your eyes betray you. They're watery.

Why are they watery?

"I let you go." I rasp as you stroke my cheek gently.

I would say lovingly but. . .you don't love me.

"Oh, little one." you whisper. "What have you done to yourself?"

I don't understand, Sebastian. I'm confused. You hate me yet you show . . .concern? Are you mocking me? Do you know how much I long for you? Is this all just one big ploy to have me live or die in misery? Tell me, Sebastian. Tell me you're not that cruel.

"Let me die." I beg. I can't live if you're not with me. I should already be dead, remember? I have only stolen a few more years; years that are ending.

Oh, Sebastian. Let me die. I have no reason to live. I gave you your freedom. Be free. Be free of me like you have been for the past few weeks now.

Let me die.

Have you no mercy?

Just let me die.

"No." you say.

I know you are a demon but surely you cannot be so cruel. You're evil, Sebastian. Let me die. I do not want to live knowing you won't be there. Why? Why won't you let me die?

"Sebastian. . ."

"No." you repeat. You sound odd. Your voice breaks.

Why, Sebastian? Why make out like you care? Why not leave me to die?

"Please." I sound pitiful, don't I, Sebastian?

"No." your hands cup my face. "Ask anything of me, little one, just not that. I won't do that."

I shiver at your warmth and desperation washes over me. I feel hot tears spill over my eyes, tears of sorrow, frustration and regret. Yes, regret. I finally have something to regret, Sebastian. I regret falling for you as hard as I so foolishly did.

"Sebastian. . ."

"No, Ciel. I can't let you die." and lips press down against mine.

I can't help it. I respond to your kiss, stroking and pushing my tongue against yours in a hopeless battle for domination; a battle I quickly loose.

So, kiss me sweetly, Sebastian. You who know how to dominate me. Give me this then go. Please go. I don't want you to watch me descend into depression. Yes, like that. Kiss me just like that. Slow and soft.

Make me believe you love me if only for a moment.

Then you push another soul down my throat.

I try to pull away but you hold me tightly and force me to swallow it.

Do you want me to live, Sebastian?

You pull away and look down at me with desperate eyes. "I **won't** let you die."

I stare up and find myself meeting your ruby red eyes with these dull sapphires. I miss the amethyst of our contract, suddenly. Perhaps then I could order you instead of just asking "Why?"

You lower your face once again only to rest your forehead against mine. "I no longer know how to live without you."

I frown. I know you feel it by the way you lift your head to look at me. "You've only known me a few years. You've been around for centuries. I'm sure you can manage."

You almost laugh.

You take hold of my hands, intertwining your fingers with mine and gently pin them alongside my head. "I thought so too but. . . It seems I have formed an attachment with you much deeper than I originally thought."

I don't understand. Don't confuse me, Sebastian. You know I don't like feeling confused.

"What do you. . ."

"I love you, Ciel." you interrupt, condemning me to silence as I stare up at you with wide eyes. Eyes that fill up with desperate tears.

"Don't lie to me." I beg. "Please, Sebastian. Don't. I'm not. . .I'm not strong e-enough. N-not for this game. No more games. Please. Just go."

Your mouth falls on mine. My lips part and we kiss over and over again, your index finger stroking down my cheek, down my neck, making me shiver. You pull away. "Tell me you don't love me." you say, your voice like the gentle wind through the trees; one can only hear it if one listens carefully enough. "tell me that and I'll go. Look me in the eye, my love, and say that you don't. Then, and only then, I'll leave you."

I stare at you and remain silent. It would seem you have found my Achilles heel, Sebastian.

Something flickers in your eyes. Is that. . .hope? "Tell me you love me and I'm yours." you say seeking out a brief kiss.

"Liar." tears start to escape again.

"I'm not."

"Don't lie." I whisper.

"I would never." you promise as your lips brush mine. "Just say it. . .just say it and I'm yours."

My eyes flicker to yours, unsurely but I can see nothing but honesty in those pits of hellfire. "I. . ." I begin but I stop. "H-how do I know this isn't some plot to make a fool out of me?"

You let out a sigh. "what can I do? What can I do that will convince you that I'm in love with y-. . .?"

My mouth is on yours before you can finish. I can't take it. I can't. I'll have this moment. I don't care, Sebastian. Make a fool of me. For I am a fool. I don't care what you do. I don't. I just need to tell you tha ."I love you too."

Make a fool of me, Sebastian. Go on. I deserve it.

Sebastian?

Is that . . .joy in your eyes?

Is that . . .tenderness I see?

Could it be that you were not lying after all?

"Let me love you, Ciel." you murmur. "let me take you. I promise to be gentle. I just want to love you."

My breathing gets caught in my throat. "n-no." I choke out. You look slightly disappointed and you look as if you're about to pull away but you misunderstand. "don't be gentle."

You blink in confusion.

Come now, Sebastian. You know best a demon's nature. "I want you. I don't want you to pretend. I don't want you to be gentle. It's not you."

You stare down at me with those blood red eyes that glow brighter.

I see your lust and I know you see mine.

And my uncertainty.

Make me forget my doubts, Sebastian.

Make me forget that you were ever cold to me.

Make love to me, Sebastian.

Take me, ravish me, love me.

"Yes, my Lord." you whisper and capture my lips with yours, dragging me into a kiss rougher than I'm used to. "My love." your tongue is more forceful so I put up a better fight, fighting a battle I know I will loose in three. . .two. . .one. I loose and you explore my mouth possessively. "My Ciel." you savagely begin kissing and nipping at my neck.

"Sebastian." I gasp your name and turn my head to give you more room.

Yes, mark me. Show the world who I belong to. Let the world know that I am yours.

Buttons spring to the floor.

I hate the infuriating things anyway.

Yes, taint my pail skin with your lips, your tongue, teeth.

You abuse my chest, bite my erect nipples, making me moan.

Fabric rips under my fingertips as I tear off your shirt. I never really liked that shirt. Too plain. . .too ordinary. And you're anything but.

"Sebastian!"

Hot. Hell, everything is so hot. I didn't know anything could burn like this.

Kiss me, Sebastian. Yes, like that. Rough, demanding, possessive. I'm yours.

I taste blood. You've bitten my lip, Sebastian, but I don't care.

You rip off my trousers and I moan as you start bruising the insides of my thighs.

Oh, the bliss of this sweet torture.

Make it hurt. Go on, I know you want to. No, don't look up at me with those guilt ridden eyes. I want it. I want this pain. It proves that I want you, that I trust you, that I love you.

"Sebastian."

Take me. Don't bother preparing me. Go on. No, don't bother with a finger. . .those fingers. I want. . ."Ah!" you've found my prostate, Sebastian. Don't just grin at me. I want you. I want you. Please. "Sebastian."

I grab your trousers and start unbuckling your belt.

Where the hell did you manage to find such a stiff buckle?

You chuckle at my frustration and push my hands away.

How did you manage to get that thing undone when I couldn't?

I frown. I do _**not**_ pout.

If you so much as think the word 'cute', I won't let you con. . ."SEBASTIAN!"

You enter me swiftly, hitting my prostate.

Again. Do it again. Yes. Please. More. More of this pain. More of this pleasure. More of you.

"Sebastian. . .Sebastian. . ." I find myself chanting your name again and again and again as you thrust into me, filling me, completing me.

I open my eyes.

When did I close them?

I seek out the ruby red that are yours.

I find them and meet them. I know mine are a demonic red, glazed over with lust, flickering blue every now and again. Yours are the same, shifting from a gentle red to the fiery demonic shade of a demon.

My hands run down your sides, down your body. The skin there is smooth and soft. You like that. I can tell by the way you growl.

My hands make their way up to your back and my black nails dig into your flesh.

"Sebastian." I'm nearing my completion now and, judging by the speed you're currently pounding into me, you are too.

You reach between us and begin to pump my neglected member, sending me over the edge. You come soon after with a breathless cry of my name. My name. No one else's.

Tell me you love me, Sebastian. My Sebastian.

"I love you."

Promise you'll never leave me.

"I'll never leave you."

I pull you down for another kiss. "I love you too."

I do, you know.

I love you, Sebastian.

* * *

**_Yay._**

**_Another one shot I did when I was bored. _**

**_Enjoy_**

**_Your boring little secret_**

**_S._**


	2. Sebastian's POV

It's been such a long time, Young Master, since you've become a demon and still I can't look at you without hiding my feelings with a blank gaze that fills your eyes with pain and fear. I come closer at your request, looking at my feet because I can't stand to look at you. Part of me blames you for making me feel like this but I know it's not your fault, not really.

I remember a time when I used to tease you with touches that sent shivers down your spine and brought up goose bumps to that perfect flesh of yours. I constantly wish it could be like that now, wish I could touch you and hold you but I know it wouldn't be acceptable. I'm not sure if I could contain myself, from tell you that I want you, need you. Love you. I seem like a love-sick fool. Perhaps I am.

Let me embrace you; let me hold you just this once and then I promise to behave. I'll do what you want, just let me hold you. Yes, like that. Let me feel your warmth, your fragile body in my strong arms. Can you hear my heart skip a beat? Can you hear my breathing shallow? All those reactions just from holding you.

Then you promise to let me go, making me gasp your title. You tell me I'm free of you, that I can go now and leave you to fend for yourself. Part of me wants to stay, wants to stay desperately and keep on holding you. I want to take away your pain, Ciel ...Young Master. If I have to leave to do that, then so be it. I'll go. For you, I'll go even if it hurts me. Perhaps it's for the best, My Lord.

My hand burns as I walk away, the contract destroying itself as we part ways. I hear a thud when I close the door and I wonder if you're having one of your tantrums that remind me of an angry little kitten. Either way, I don't look back even though I want to. I want to go to you, calm you down and make you smile. When was the last time you smiled ...Ciel?

Days pass. Or perhaps weeks or months, I don't know. I spend my days thinking of you, gorging on any human that crosses me. I no longer have much care of the taste; I just need something that doesn't remind me of you. I try to find someone, something, a soul as disgusting as possible. The complete opposite of you. Of course it doesn't work.

You're all I can think of. You're all I see, all I want.

I'm desperate to see you, to take even the smallest glimpse of your face, those eyes. Blue. Pure, untainted, crystal blue. Sapphires. Your eyes are sapphires. Both of them now. Did you know that sapphires became my favourite gemstones when I met you? Did you know how obsessed I am with everything that makes you who you are?

I find you on the floor of the room I left you in, your breathing shallow and your heartbeat faint. "Young Master?" is all I can think of to say, praying that it's just a doll on the floor and not you but you stir, your eyes flickering under your eyelids making it known that you live still, "Ciel." I pick you up, holding you, and carry you to your room. I press my lips to yours, prying yours open with my tongue as I force in a soul.

"Sebastian..." you whisper as your eyes open to meet mine, "you're not meant to be here."

I lie you upon your bed, "Why not?" I demand almost angrily but I know my eyes are watery with desperation, guilt and sadness. I should never have left you.

"I let you go," you rasp as I lovingly stroke your cheek.

"Oh, little one," I whisper, "What have you done to yourself?"

I see confusion in your eyes. Do you think I don't care for you? That I'm mocking you? Oh, Ciel, do you not realise what you mean to me? Can you not understand the depth of what I feel for you, how I've always felt? Was I really so cold to you? I guess I hid my feelings well.

"Let me die," you beg, a request that rips me apart inside. Can you not feel my pain at hearing you ask me that? Surely it radiates off me in waves?

"No," I tell you. I know you're a demon now but surely you're not so cruel to make me do something like that? I couldn't.

"Sebastian..."

"No," I repeat and my voice breaks.

"Please," you sound awfully pitiful but that doesn't matter to me.

"No," I cup your face tenderly, "Ask anything of me, little one, just not that. I won't do that." I'll give you the world if that's what you desire. Anything, ask me for anything and I'll do it, I'll get it but I cannot end you and I will not let you do it yourself or let anyone else do it. Can you not understand that?

Tears spill from your eyes, "Sebastian..."

"No, Ciel. I can't let you die." And I press my lips to yours.

You respond, kissing me back sweetly as my passions for you take hold. Our lips touch, meeting over and over, the kiss soft and slow as you submit to me. Then I push another soul down your throat and you struggle. I hold you tight, forcing you to swallow. I want you to live, Ciel. I look at you with desperate eyes, "I **won't** let you die."

You look at me with longing eyes; those brilliant sapphires dull with confusion and pain, "why?" you ask softly.

I rest my forehead against yours as I answer, "I no longer know how to live without you."

I feel you frown and I move my head to look at you, waiting for your reply, "You've only known me a few years. You've been around for centuries. I'm sure you can manage."

I almost laugh.

I take old of your hands, intertwining my fingers with yours and pin them alongside your head. "I thought so too but... it seems I have formed an attachment with you much deeper that I originally thought."

Your eyes fill with further confusion. I know how you dislike being confused, "What do you..."

"I love you, Ciel." I interrupt, condemning you to silence as you stare up at me with wide eyes; eyes that fill with desperate tears.

"Don't lie to me." you beg. "Please, Sebastian. Don't. I'm not ... I'm not strong e-enough. N-not for this game. No more games. Please. Just go."

My mouth falls on yours. Your lips part and we kiss over and over again, my index finger trailing down your cheek, your neck, making you shiver. "Tell me you don't love me," I say my voice barely a whisper, "tell me that and I'll go. Look me in the eye, my love, and say that you don't. Then, and only then, I'll leave you."

You stare at me in silence and I begin to hope.

"Tell me that you love me and I'm yours." I say seeking out a brief kiss.

Your eyes flicker to mine, "I..." you begin but stop. "H-how do I know this isn't some plot to make a fool out of me?"

I let out a sigh, "What can I do? What can I do that will convince you that I'm in love with y-" your mouth is on mine before I can finish. The kiss is desperate, longing.

"I love you too."

Joy fills me and I look at you with a tender gaze. "Let me love you, Ciel." I murmur. "Let me take you. I promise to be gentle. I just want to love you."

Your breath catches in your throat, "n-no." You choke out and I wonder if I've overstepped my mark, if I've offended you with my desires. I wonder if I should move away and let you have your space. I can't deny I'm disappointed but I'll wait if that's what you want.

But then you continue, "don't be gentle."

I blink in confusion. Could it be that you want me, all of me, without holding back? I know you can withstand a demon's strength now but I don't want to hurt you, to scare you away and loose you for the rest of forever. I've already waited too long for you to be born.

"I want you. I don't want you to pretend. I don't want you to be gentle. It's not you." You explain and I feel my eyes glow slightly with lust and I see your lust too.

I want you.

All of you.

"Yes, my Lord," I find myself answering as I capture your lips with my own, forcing you into a kiss rougher than you're used to. "My Love." You use your own tongue to fight back but you quickly submit to me, allowing my possessive nature as I explore your mouth. "My Ciel." I savagely begin kissing your neck and you gasp my name as you tilt your head, giving me more room to mark you as mine. Only mine.

Buttons string to the floor as I hurry to taste more flesh. I bite the erect buds on your chest and you moan. My shirt tears under your fingers and my mouth returns to yours, possessively claiming that hot cavern, rough and demanding. I accidently bit your lip and draw blood but you don't seem to mind.

I rip off your trousers and bruise the insides of your thighs. I look at you with guilt ridden eyes but then I realise that you're enjoying this, enjoying the sweetness of this torture. "Sebastian," you moan as if to confirm my suspicions. I begin to prepare you though I know we're both impatient for the main event. You gasp and moan my name when I find your prostate. I remove my fingers and your hands fondle with my belt.

I chuckle at your frustration when you can't undo it then pout adorably when I manage to do it myself.

I thrust in, entering you swiftly only to find myself buried in a tight heat so pleasurable, I can barely contain myself. I pound into you eagerly when I realise your cry was from the pleasure of locating your prostate successfully. Your eyes seek out mine and I'm only too happy to meet them.

I growl in delight when you run your hands over my body then your nails dig into my back. You moan my name in warning as you near your completion and I reach between us to stroke your member, knowing I'm close too.

You come and I come soon after with a breathless cry of your name.

"I love you." I promise as we come down from our high. "I'll never leave you."

You pull me down for another kiss, "I love you too."

There's no need for anymore words. We both know how we feel. I love you.

I do, you know.

I love you, Ciel.

* * *

**_Sebastian's POV was requested so ...what do you think?_**

**_Oh, and tell me if there's something that shouldn't be in there. I may have phraised something differently from in the first chapter. _**

**_Your obliging little secret_**

**_S._**

**_x_**


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